The serial over achiever

From the ripe age of 8 years old i was always pushing and striving to be the best and pushing to achieve big things in my life. You may be thinking this is a great quality of a child but let me tell you the shame and guilt one carries when things don't turn out the way you envision is a hard energy to carry when you're only 8 years old.

I often wonder where the need and drive comes from for someone so young but looking back at my early years i can see clearly why being an "achiever" became my identity and driving force behind my life choices as i grew into my teenage years and adult life.

My earliest memories start from really young, like 3 and 4yrs old. My two sisters and i had a tricky start to the world. My mother was married to my father a physical, mental and emotional abusive husband. His heritage of Croatian and italian with the influence of how his own father treated his mother didn't set a great example of what a relationship looks like. A woman has no voice, A woman cannot dress to look nice, A woman is Not to look or talk to another man even if this means a family member or a family friend. My father is an amazing drummer. He was always in a band for as long as i could remember. Supporting big names like INXS. This was my dads world and he believed that one day he would make the BIG TIME. Unfortunately the band and the rockers lifestyle became his number one purpose and priority. Along with the" band life" came drugs, woman and a fast life style.

I always felt loved by my father he was extremely funny always the one making jokes and making everyone laugh.

My mother in my early years was a shell. A broken woman. Her appearance alawys looked like she was battling a fight that she had nothing in the tank left to fight with. Frail, dark circles around her eyes knowing each day came with a bigger challenge then the day before. My mother set a great example of what it takes to truly takes to be a survivor and to turn your life lessons into the driving force of what life can be and should be. A true hero and example of pushing for what you deserve.

My childhood memories were the constant fighting and yelling of our parents, Glass smashing and the scream of my mother pleading that my father would change.

I became the protector of my two little sisters, Protecting them from what happening outside our closed bedroom-door. Blasting the music and making little games to try to deter them from what was truly happening.

Every night i would go to sleep wishing it would be better in the morning.

They say that you are put on this earth to experience challenges that present themselves as hardship and sorrow. I believe that all of these experiences are lessons to allow us to grow and become better to brake the cycle and become the complete opposite of what you are given. Thats IF you take the lesson and learn from it.

For a long time this story was my identity. I was a victim to a life that was in the past and that i carried like a badge of honour. All the things i wanted to achieve and carry out had the excuse attached it- I have been through so much in life it was almost an excuse and reasoning i had with myself that let me believe it was ok not finish something i set out or fail at something i put my mind to.

Everything that happened in those early years truly gave me the force and drive to BE better and DO better.

I feel that you can sit with your past identity for far to long, It becomes your whole state of being and the energy you bring in and attract.

I was on a mission that my life was going to be different. I had big dreams. I would often stare into space envisioning what my life was going to be as i got older. I believe as adults we have lost the ability to dream big. We get told that your dream is to crazy or to big or even to stop day dreaming.

Dreaming is the faith we have that maybe someday all the dedication and work that we put into our physical life will just turn around and show up. It gives us hope, It brings a different energy to our past stories and with that allowing a new energy, a new state of being , a new way to dedicate our life to what we want instead of replaying the lessons and hardships that we once embraced.

Pushing and always wanting the big life i envisioned came with some big hard lessons that came in strong and hard. If you dare to dream big you must be prepared to fall big also.

Before understanding that every turn and new road life takes you on was a lesson and understanding to help that big dream come to fruition i would sit in sorrow with the heavy feelings of guilt and shame that would take me back right to that little girl wanting more out life.

Why me? I do everything right, I say yes, i say "what else can i do?", i nod, i agree, i work hard ... Why didn't it work?

The over achiever in me would look that these road bumps as failures. Like the dream was over.

Now after a-lot of growth, Healing and the understanding of energy, Life seems to be clearer for the over achiever in me.

I over achieved to feel worthy.. Something i had to heal through lessons that life has shown me.

Thank you universe.

I over achieved to feel like i have purpose. Purpose isn't a job or a status its something that lights you up and feels your cup without having to push to make everyone around you believe in you.

I now believe in myself after many people using my good girl persona as a sign of weakness and using me up.

Thank you universe.

I over achieved to show that little girl back then that she was seen, heard and felt important.

I now don't valiade my worth on someone else's approval of what my life should look like.

Thank you universe.

You see the over achiever came from the hardship of a little girl wanting bigger things, it gave me drive, passion and a zest of how big the world can be. A lesson i will truly be grateful for. The over achiever aloud me to experience big falls and hurt from a-lot of people around that then drove me to a bigger understanding that life's lessons aren't failures just bumps along the road that lead you to a bigger and brighter future. The ability to dream big and give more.

Lessons come to us in all shapes and sizes, big, small, people ,breakdowns ,hurts and failures.

Look at your past as learning playground for the dream you carried in your darkest hour. Not achieving your goal as you envisioned could be the ultimate path to an even bigger life then you imagined.

Dream long, dream big, dont let the over achiever voice tell you that you have failed. You didn't... It was a bump in the road to take you on a bigger path and a wilder world worth fighting for.

The lessons that allow you to grow and be better then your past.